Friday, September 11, 2020

Homeward Bound

It has been a long time since I've written here. I'm not a blogger. I just happen to have a public diary. I only write when I really need it. This is one of those times.

We are moving back to New Jersey.

Mid October.

When we visited Kristin shortly after we got engaged, Eric came back with a dream job offer instead of a souvenir. So I quit my job as a counselor. We came here with nothing but a car, a couple suitcases, and a bunch of music and tech equipment that took up a room in Kristin's house (sorry lol). It was the best decision of our lives to come here. Eric had the opportunity to truly change his life with this job. I thought I was just getting lucky, finally moving to paradise with my best friend (Kristin. Not Eric. I know, our relationship gets confusing 😂). I had no idea that my life would veer so far off course, in the best way possible.

I started this blog seven years ago as a way to process moving to Florida and keep family and friends updated on our life here. I documented our fun times, our wedding, changing careers, buying a house, my pregnancy, and life as a new mom. Almost none of this was part of our plan.

But the fact is: We have been parenting for over 4 years now with almost no family support. That is hard. It is hard when you are trying to do a job you are so passionate about, but it requires you to be on call 24/7 at a moment's notice, and there is no one to help. It is hard to rarely go on dates. It is really hard to feel like you are keeping your kid separated from his grandparents, and to see the heartbreak when they leave each other, especially when you grew up not knowing most of your own grandparents. I am not at peace with living here when I know how it feels to miss out on that relationship. They all deserve to have the chance.

Oh, and it is especially difficult to live far away from your family during a pandemic, where you want to help but can't. And you worry. And you are made hyper aware of how short life really is.

But family isn't just blood. Family is chosen. Kristin is my family, and it makes me sick thinking about living far away from her, again. And Atlas not having his only cousins his age. I also feel sick leaving all my friends, my amazing job, and the beautiful paradise we live in. When I got here, I looked out the car window and said I was never going to take the palm trees for granted. I still haven't. I look out the window every day and feel happy. But at this time in our life, we feel like the pros of NJ outweigh the cons.

We will be visiting often. It was a condition of mine, when we made this decision, that we must have a least one big trip each winter, and I can come for long weekends whenever I feel the need 😂. So you are not all rid of me forever. It is home to me now, too. I will always be torn between two places. I am just going to keep telling myself that we will have a second home here eventually. I am determined to have the best of everywhere.

It is going to take me a long time to adjust. I am very, very sad. But I am so excited to experience the changing colors of Fall, put pumpkins out for weeks without rotting, wear leather jackets and beanies, have bonfires, go hiking, go sledding and have snowball fights with Atlas. I have missed everything about Philly: the skyline, shows, art, museums, history, attitude, food, bars, sports, taking Jager shots every time a Philly team scores. Even the dirt and grit. I miss my people. I miss my family and friends in the northeast.

I know I can find the positives. I know what I am walking into. I signed up for it this time. It might be hard during the Three Months of Gloom, but I will adjust.

Eric better get a snowblower though...