Tuesday, March 14, 2017

I Did A Thing

Babies are so fucking complicated and weird.

I don't feel like going in to it. Six months is a great age, and he is so happy and cute. He can sit, army crawl all over the place, say "mama" and "baba", drink out of a cup and a straw, and he smiles all the time, but solids and food allergies and sleep... This is all getting too complicated for me. Some days, I feel like we are making progress. Other days, I feel like I don't even want to leave the house. Lately, it's been the latter, more often than not. I haven't spent as much time with friends as I used to. I have barely even been to Target. I don't remember the last time I had Starbucks, which is a clear sign that I am starting to isolate. Or MAYBE, it's just a sign that I have mom brain. I accidentally got in the Express checkout lane at Publix the other night and felt like a GIANT asshole. As a former supermarket cashier, I am ashamed of myself. 

The moment the nice kid said, "Ma'am, please be careful next time, this is the Express lane," I realized I needed to get my shit together for real. (I also realized I am a "ma'am," which is not okay. We're all dudes, dude.)

I have been all talk and no action on that front. If I'm feeling down and feeling like I've lost my identity, it is time to do something about it, instead of just writing about it and then sitting here.

So, I am going to make more of an effort to get out and do things that make me feel like ME. I will make more of an effort to see friends and meet new people, because I love hearing others' stories. I will go for more walks with Atlas and Nym. I will buy new, post-pregnancy clothes and bathing suits that make me feel good. I will look for a way to contribute my talents, whether it's writing, singing, or working in the psych field again.

AND... I have signed up for the 2018 Disney Princess Half Marathon.

This is something I have wanted to do since I moved to Florida, but I never had the guts or the motivation to actually do it. A couple years ago, I almost did, but by the time I got to my computer, the race was sold out. I wasn't too heartbroken over it.

Four years ago, my roomies from college convinced me to run the Nike Women's Half in DC with them. I had been feeling really awful about myself after gaining a ton of weight from a new birth control pill, actually. Since high school, it had been very difficult for me to find a balance between a good amount of exercise/healthy eating and going overboard, so when I gained the weight, I had a lot of trouble losing it. I didn't want to get mixed up in a disordered thought process, and I was finally okay with the fact that I love food. Not healthy food, either. Pizza, cheesesteaks, doughnuts, ice cream, basically all junk food. Everything is fine in moderation, and that's where I was at.

But they convinced me to do it, and I felt good about it. I was motivated and had a goal to work toward. I had to do it right if I wanted to survive the race. My goal was to run the entire thing, and to do that, you need to train properly and fuel yourself properly. I ended up being in the best shape of my life, physically and mentally. I went from not being able to run a single mile without stopping to running 13.1 miles nonstop in just 20 weeks. It helped to be running through the beautiful streets of DC, one of my favorite cities.

With my Tiffany necklace that was given to me by a sexy DC fireman. Best part of the whole race. Just sayin'.

Fastforward to now: I haven't run much since I moved to Florida. Currently six months postpartum, unable to eat anything I like, without the time or energy to do any consistent exercise. I hate the gym, so that isn't an option. I do things here and there at home, but I would rather spend my free time getting things done around the house or sleeping. The truth is that I don't feel very good about myself right now. Yes, I lost my baby weight, but this has nothing to do with weight. I lost all the weight because I can't fucking eat like a normal human. I am not in shape like I was, and I don't feel healthy at all. I am stressed out, not just because I am a mom, but because I am constantly checking food labels. I spent years avoiding doing just that to get myself in a good place. On top of that, this is the first time in my life since I was 6 years old that I haven't had a job, been a volunteer, or participated in some type of music group.

I hate it.

I love the Atlas bean to death, but by next February, I will be completely done nursing and on to the next chapter of our lives, which includes me being able to eat whatever the hell I want and hopefully having a bit more consistency in our schedule than I do right now with a six month old. It is time to give myself a little more freedom, which is tough without family around, but I have got to make it happen.

Anyway, my point is that I am not off my rocker for signing up for a half marathon. I don't like running, but for some reason, it is the only form of exercise that has ever stuck with me. I have done it before, and I think it will make me feel really good about myself when (not IF, WHEN) I can do it again. It will help me get back in shape the right way, and help me manage food properly without going overboard once I can reintroduce it in my diet. Plus, half marathons don't get any easier than running through DISNEY WORLD, stopping to take pictures with characters who are cheering you on. The smell of Main Street in Magic Kingdom is all I need to motivate me, to be honest. The most difficult part of the whole race is going to be deciding what to wear.

I think I am going to show up to the Princess Half dressed as Maleficent. It is unavoidable.

And then I will stroll around the park with my 1.5 year old, and we will dress in coordinating Disney outfits, and I will eat a Dole Whip and love my life, and we will all live happily ever after. The end.

So, so tired. Both of us.

Downtown West Palm is one of my favorite places in the entire world.

We met up with Julia for coffee. Little Eva wasn't there, but that's okay. Atlas clearly enjoyed himself anyway! :)

On the move! I need to start posting some videos.

Stole this picture of Atlas's first music class from one of our great mommy friends. We have a whole crew in this class! Atlas was a little overwhelmed, especially since he skipped his nap beforehand, but I certainly loved it. Hah.

Smiley boy always

Forced myself to take a walk on this beautiful day. The kiddos loved it.

Doesn't get better than this in mid-March.

Eric and I played Dominion and drank while Atlas slept. It's been a long time since we felt confident enough in Atlas's sleep schedule to start playing a game at night! Hooray! Also, we tied one game and I won the other. Boom.

Now that he can crawl over to the mirror, that's where he spends ALL his time.

I think he thinks he made a new baby friend hahahahaha.

Hanging out with Dad. 

Pretty flowers blooming.

Family walk, complete with drinks, because Daylight Saving Time. That is all I have to say about the time change.

Umm... does he think he is going to get up and run? Put yourself down, kid.

He just started expanding his territory from his play area to the entire room. Getting into the no-no shelf. Time to make the nursery more kid-friendly. It was Pinterest-y while it lasted. :(

A mirror on a tambourine? Perfect for a vain rock star such as Atlas. Lollllll

You will never win the ladies over if you can't stop looking in the mirror. Nobody likes a narcissist.

One of our friends hosted a baby clothing pop-up boutique! This is by Whimsy Crown. It was hard to pick just one outfit. And it was good to get out on a week night for a couple hours!

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