Post-Baby

I said in the last post that all I write about is Atlas because he is my life now. That's true. My days are filled with only baby things, and I love that big little bean more than anything ever. But I think a lot of the time, moms forget about themselves. A "me" existed pre-baby, and a "me" exists post-baby, too. I'm not the same person completely, but I AM still my own person, and it's easy to forget that when I have basically no time to think about myself these days.

But after this typical 2am feeding wake-up call, I can't get back to sleep. My anxiety has kicked in to overdrive. Yes, that's still there. My brain won't shut off. It's usually focused on Atlas, but right now, it is focused on myself.

I thought it might be good to write about that.

The reality is that I feel like a wreck most of the time. Just now, I thought to myself how my hair feels so gross and my mouth is dry and I really want to shower. I just showered yesterday (doesn't always happen, as any new mom can admit), but I still can't shake this feeling of yuck.

My mind wanders to how I wish I had appreciated myself more before I had a baby. I had such anxiety about food and picked apart every "wrong" thing on my body, but now, a lot more is "wrong." I have mentioned how I'm more comfortable in my own skin than ever before, and that is true, but I also don't have much time to focus on the negative. Except for nights like this, where I can't sleep despite exhaustion. Then, I think about how I should exercise when I wake up, but I have no energy. I lost the baby weight, much thanks to this awful elimination diet, but my skin is a little loose from losing the muscle mass, too. Every time someone tells me how great I look for five months postpartum, I want to tell them how much I wish I could binge on pizza and beer. But if I could do that, I would probably be anxious and depressed about my weight. Will my mind ever let me be truly at peace with my weight? The grass is always greener on the other side. My back and joints hurt. My hair is falling out. I have permanent dark circles and wrinkles. My belly button is bigger than it used to be.

I am usually proud of myself for growing a human. It really is a miracle. But right now, I just feel old and gross.

So, as you can see, I am still the same anxiety-riddled wreck.

HOWEVER, now that I am not in the thick of the newborn stage and Atlas seems to be making good progress, I am starting to think about how I can begin to take care of that part of myself again. I miss reading. I miss my piano. I really DO miss exercise. And the beach, and the nature center, and breweries. Atlas is still not a great napper, so I don't have a huge chunk of time to do these things. We don't have any family here to watch him at the drop of a hat for free. But I am starting to think about how I can get to do these things again, whether I find a way to do them with or without him.

I need to find time to be myself again. Myself is a little different now, because part of me is Atlas now, but part of me is still ME. And I WILL figure out how to make more of an effort to nurture ME again, so that I can pass on those good parts of myself to Atlas. But also so that I don't go crazy and can learn to love the new-and-improved mom version of Lauren. I still matter.

SO, if you are reading this and you are about to be a new mom, or are still in the thick of being a NEW new mom, know that you will get through it. You might feel anxious, unsure of your new and changing body, and/or like a frazzled mess right now, but you will get to a point where you start to find yourself again. If I can, anyone can, believe me. And if you are just a regular old friend or family reading this, thanks for reading my rambling, sticking with me through all my new mom wreck-ness, and dealing with my usual typical Lauren wreck-ness. Hopefully, there will start to be less wreck as the months continue to pass by.