Sunday, June 26, 2016

31 Weeks

I'm just going to be completely honest: Seeing the nursery all set up must have triggered some type of mental breakdown, because I completely went off the deep end this past week.

I mean, really off the deep end. 

Seeing the crib made the whole parenting thing seem very real, and it just set me off on a huge emotional rollercoaster. Getting upset with Eric for the stupidest reasons like EVERY DAY, feeling like shit about myself, not wanting to do anything productive. I had to miss Nick and Katie's wedding up north on Friday night, which made me really sad. The swelling in my feet got much worse all of a sudden, and it hurts. Kristin tried to literally force compression socks onto my feet on Friday night, but I kicked and told her they look like granny stockings. This upcoming week is my last week of work, and I'm having an identity crisis about "doing nothing with my life" and "being purposeless." I am going to miss my work fam. I broke down crying last night for the first time in a long time, saying "I'm going to be a terrible parent. Everyone will be better off without me." Well geez, THAT escalated quickly.

I don't think it's fair to discount the feelings of pregnant women as "just hormonal," because these feelings are valid, but I think the crazy hormones probably exacerbated the breakdown.

Wahwahwah, bitchbitchbitch. This is all just normal pregnancy stuff, plus an annoying illness and a couple fractured ribs along the way. I could feel a lot worse and look a lot worse. Life will go on. Sometimes, it's just necessary to bitch it out in order to move forward.

So I made Eric and Nym come to Jupiter Donut Factory and Starbucks with me this morning, because sugar is obviously a cure-all for mental health issues.
Lemon-frosted Blueberry and Red Velvet Devil doughnuts from Jupiter Donut Factory. NOMNOM!
How far along?  31 weeks. Baby is the size of an otter... without the tail... lololllll

Total weight gain/measurements: WELL. I did not gain another 8 lbs. in two weeks. I gained just under 2 lbs. in two weeks. Looks like the doctor was right, and I am starting to level out after playing catchup from my weight loss in the first trimester.

Maternity clothes: No new ones, but I definitely need some to get me through summer.

Stretch marks: Just those white ones on my hips so far.

Sleep: My dreams have been CRAZY this week. That's how I know the hormones are really affecting me. I had one dream where I had an easy labor and saw the baby, but then I passed out. The doctors made me walk the halls to find Eric and the baby when I woke up. I got trapped in a creepy stairwell. When I finally got out and found their room, I tried to feed the baby, but I couldn't. And then EVERYONE came to visit, even though I said I didn't want visitors right now. You guys are great and all, but there were like 50 of you in the hospital room, and you kept taking Baby Mazz from me! I JUST WANTED TO FEED MY BABY, PEOPLE! Hahahahahaha good god.

Best moment this week: Just hanging out with friends! We had a hilarious game night at Ben and Kristin's. It started with coloring with Chloe, and ended with several rounds of Werewolf consisting of creating ridiculous identities and backstories. May we never forget Naked Tom, Bob the Village Alcoholic, Boris, the cast of Twilight, and Chad who Vapes.

And Saturday was Katie's baby shower! Katie is due to have Baby Leo three days after Baby Mazz's due date. We could very well be screaming in pain in rooms next to each other in the hospital. It was a nice day catching up at a pavilion by the beach.
Friends! Wish Heather was here!
Trying to get Chloe in the picture
Pay attention, kid!
She's reaching for a gummy...
The finished product. Haha

Miss anything? Alcohol. I could've used a drink this week ;)

Movement: Lots! He has the hiccups on a more regular basis now, and he keeps kicking my ribs, which is pretty uncomfortable. But feeling him move is one of the only things I love about being pregnant. It makes it all worth it, and fun, and happy.

Food cravings: Besides just craving sugar, I am especially loving strawberries. Call me crazy, but I have never really cared for strawberries. But now, if I have one bite, I can't stop eating them! WTF PREGNANCY?!

Anything making you queasy or sick? Chicken, sometimes.

Gender:  Boy

Labour signs: Nope

Symptoms: Heartburn, indigestion, migraines, spider and vericose veins and sun spots are all starting to appear, shortness of breath, back pain, swelling, weird dreams, and being craycray out of my mind...

Belly button in or out? Outie

Wedding rings on or off? On, but I had trouble getting them off yesterday. Yikes.

Happy or moody most of the time: ... Moody is an understatement.

Looking forward to: Having a free summer, even though I will miss my work fam terribly and feel useless. It will be good to have time to get a lot of things done around here so we can be completely prepared for Baby Mazz!

Sunday, June 19, 2016


Breakdown of my week:

My work fam moved this week, and it was super hectic, as all moves are. The new house is still being renovated, which didn't help the situation (although it is a GORGEOUS house, and will be even more amazing when it's done! Exciting!). All of us were out of sorts, especially the kids. We tried to keep them as happy as possible, but it's emotional seeing all your stuff get packed away and not being able to find your favorite toys. And for my little buddy, being so young, he just didn't know what to make of the chaos. I had him at my house all day Wednesday and Thursday to keep him out of the way. We went shopping, watched movies, played with Nym, and even had a playdate with Chloe. She was so good with him! Unfortunately, he was tired and fussy from not sleeping well because of all the newness. I felt quite accomplished when I got him to nap on time in my very own Pack n Play on Thursday, and by the end of the day, he was playing piano with me and dancing to Eric's guitar jams. It was pretty adorable. During these days, I also discovered how very UNchildproofed my house is. I definitely got a workout chasing that kid around!

Eric and I have BOTH been sick with sinus issues. Our Thursday night was spent figuring out how to use a neti pot. Our Friday night was spent doing nothing. Saturday, we cleaned and watched a Janis Joplin documentary (I love her), and then I took a nap. When I woke up, I treated myself to Starbucks, because that's EXACTLY what a sick, exhausted pregnant lady with a migraine should have. Haters gonna hate.

How far along?  30 WEEKS! Baby Mazz is as big as a "platypus, without the tail," according to this app, hahahahaha. This feels like a big milestone. 30 weeks, I mean. Not being the size of a platypus minus the tail. I remember finding out I was pregnant at maybe 4 weeks along, feeling so incredibly nauseous and terrified, and having to keep it all to myself for months. Time is flying by like crazy now.

These are PRE-PREGNANCY shorts!... albeit they were two sizes too big for me at the time I got pregnant. Hehe.
Total weight gain/measurements: I don't feel like I put on another 8 lbs., but we'll see at my doctor appoint this upcoming Friday... 

Maternity clothes: Nothing new

Stretch marks: It has happened. I have a few white ones on my hips. It's whatever. I knew it would happen sooner or later. I am trying to avoid ones on my tummy, but there's not much I can do about it. It is what it is.

Sleep: Do I even need to say it? BAD.

Best moment this week: SETTING UP THE NURSERY! That's right! Our furniture was finally delivered last night. We put it together and started getting things organized immediately. Today, I went and dropped a shitload of money in the black hole known as Target. All necessary things for the room, of course... After a couple of hours, all the clothes we have were put away in drawers or bins and all the shower gifts were put in their proper places or stored for future use. I feel SO. ACCOMPLISHED. I can't believe a master procrastinator such as myself got an entire room organized in less than 24 hours... and LIKED IT. What is happening to me?

The futon that was in Eric's office is now in the baby room, instead of a glider. It's actually pretty comfortable, and will give me an actual bed in that room if I want one.
We will be hanging the shelves on the wall there, and that lamp is going to be replaced with a MUCH cuter lamp. 
The diaper genie will be hidden out of sight from the doorway, and a basket for toys is on the other side of the dresser. Right now, I have a basket on top there for lotions and diaper creams that will need to be easily accessible. Eventually, wipes will go up there, too. 
Little animals and a guitar pillow, some homemade blankets, and of course a lightning bolt blanket ;) Obviously, this stuff will all need to be removed from the crib once he starts sleeping in it. 
Eric has already gotten started on artwork for the walls, and I CAN'T WAIT until it's done!!! EEEEEE it's going to be super awesome!
Everything is teal right now, but we also have alternate sheets, blankets, changing pad covers, etc. that will add pops of orange and green into it. Just depends on our mood. :)
So, it's really far from done, but it's definitely getting there. I'll post updated pictures when we make more progress on it! Maybe, if I feel confident enough in my organizational skills, I will even post how I organized the drawers and closet... but don't get your hopes up. ;)

Miss anything? I want an alcoholic beverage. :(

Movement: Still going crazy at all hours of the night, but now I feel him more often during the day, too. He started pushing against my ribs and hip bones. AND he got the hiccups a couple times!

Food cravings: Okay, I went and bought dark chocolate Digestive biscuits. If you don't know what they are, start getting your British on. They know what's up with their sweets. I've been eating lots of fruit as usual to satisfy my sweet tooth though.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope!

Gender: PENIS!

Labour signs: No. I watched a little emotional clip my friend posted on Facebook about a preemie born four months early and SOBBED. I don't want him to be late, but I definitely want him to cook in there til he's good and ready. 

Symptoms: Heartburn, indigestion, random swelling in my ankles sometimes, restless legs, peeing 76987969 times in 10 minutes...

Belly button in or out? Outie

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or moody most of the time: This week was definitely moody and more emotional. Some of that might be hormones, but a lot of it was being exhausted, sick (yes, still), and working a ton on top of it.

Looking forward to: Finishing the nursery! Eric's thing he is working on right now is SO COOL I can't handle it. Having unique, self-made decorations will add so much meaning to the room.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

29 Weeks

This week has been full of happiness in my personal life, but full of sadness in the great U.S.A.

Between the lax sentence given to Stanford rapist (not swimmer) Brock Turner and last night's mass shooting in Orlando, I honestly don't know what to make of society right now.

I think a lot about these things now that I am going to bring another life into this world. I think about the danger that lurks around seemingly every corner. We obviously can't be there at every moment to protect our children, no matter how old they are. Babies die from SIDS, even if all preventative measures have been taken. Kids fall into gorilla enclosures (anyone who thinks this couldn't happen to their child is wrong). Girls get raped at parties (I'm honestly shocked that it never happened to me, because it very easily could have). And now, it seems like we're not safe from gun violence no matter where we go. Movie theaters, malls, schools, night clubs, restaurants, rock concerts... I think about it every time I go to a public place. I know I'm a paranoid, anxious mess of a human, but isn't that sad? Isn't it sad that THAT is what causes me anxiety about public places? That I or someone I love might DIE.

And I think about my little dude. One of the main reasons Eric and I didn't want to have kids was because the world is fucked up. But then, we thought we could raise a respectful, caring person who makes the world a better place. Someone who is accepting of all, sticks up for others, who helps the less fortunate, who fights for equality and justice, and who looks out for his friends and not just himself. After all, that is the kind of personality both Eric and I have.

I think about how horrible it would be if such a good person, my SON, were to be taken away from this world by a senseless act of violence. But then, I think about something no one wants to think about: What if my kid grows up to be someone who does something horrible?

Dylan Klebold's mother recently spoke out and wrote a book about her experience as the mother of "The Columbine Shooter". How terrible. I haven't read the book, but I know that she didn't realize that her son was capable of such a thing. She didn't realize the extent of his mental health issues. She was an involved parent. And yet, she could not protect her son from both external and internal influences that resulted in the Columbine shooting.

I know this is horrific to think about, but our society is really messed up right now. There is a culture of hatred, privilege, and judgment that is prevalent, and anyone who thinks otherwise must be in denial. I can only try to do the best I can as a parent to both protect my child and raise him to be a good person who helps change the world for the better. That includes having an open dialogue about these issues with him, even though it's scary and overwhelming to think about talking to my kid about such serious topics.

Anyway, on to something happier. Baby Watch:

How far along?  29 weeks! Baby Mazz is the size of a cottontail rabbit hehehehe. Almost 3 lbs. at this point!

Total weight gain/measurements: Alright, well, I gained about 8 lbs. in the past two weeks, so 15 lbs. total... I know I went a little overboard with the desserts last weekend, what with all the fun events, but I truly am not eating THAT much more than I did pre-pregnancy. It's not showing anywhere else besides my belly really, so I think Baby Mazz just had a growth spurt. The doctor said a lot of women have a big growth spurt like this at some point, and then it tapers off. If I gain 1 lb. per week for the rest of my pregnancy, I will be on target for a 25 lb. weight gain, which is the minimum they want me to gain.

Maternity clothes: Nothing new, but I officially fit in to NO pre-pregnancy shorts or jeans anymore. Maternity jeans, maxi skirts, and sundresses it is for me!

Stretch marks: Still none

Sleep: Between my cold, needing to pee all the time, and the baby moving around in the middle of the night, I'm not getting much sleep at all! But I even love laying in my new bed while I'm awake, so that's nice. :)

Best moment this week: Lots of friend time this weekend! Playing games and going to downtown West Palm for dinner and lunch was super fun. AND we also had a meeting with our doula on Tuesday night. We created a birth plan, discussed all sorts of pain management techniques, and talked about the hospital policies. After she left, Eric just looked at me and said, "...I'm really glad we got a doula." Me too, man, me too. I think we'd feel pretty lost and unprepared for natural childbirth without her. AND ALSO, we pre-registered for my delivery at the hospital. They had lemon water and crystal chandeliers in the lobby, soooo... pretty nice place. Maybe it'll feel like I'm at a spa instead of a hospital! Ha.

Miss anything? Breathing through my nose... blah blah blah enough about being sick. If I wasn't sick for the past two months, I may have actually not minded being pregnant... MAYBE. Oh, and I miss my family like crazy right now.

Movement: Lots! I think I should be counting kicks. Is that a thing everyone does? I just know he moves around a lot, so I'm assuming all is well in there. I can see him rippling across my belly. Now, it's starting to feel like he is stretching out in there. I can feel him reach out on both sides of my body at the same time! Crazy, weird, and amazing, all at the same time.

Food cravings: Still sugar sugar sugar! I've eaten LOTS of fruit this week and tried to steer clear of the ice cream. ;)

Anything making you queasy or sick? GUESS WHAT. I had grilled chicken on my Caesar salad today! BIG PROGRESS!

Gender: Rock star

Labour signs: Nah. I hope those stay away until Week 37. Then, he can come whenever he wants, as long as he's healthy and ready!

Symptoms: Heartburn/indigestion, swelling in my ankles at times, restless legs at night

Belly button in or out? Out!

Wedding rings on or off? No swelling in my hands yet, so still on!

Happy or moody most of the time: Happy a lot of times, but moody in general. Typical for after I leave my family.

Looking forward to: Getting the baby furniture! It should come this week. Next weekend, I hope we get to set it up and start decorating!

Monday, June 6, 2016

28 Weeks

28 weeks, the start of my third trimester, and Baby Mazz is the size of an echidna! I celebrated this milestone by flying to NJ for the weekend to hang out with friends and fam.

Eric is saving his vacation days, so I flew up alone. My body decided to get sick two days before my flight, so I was freaking out that my eardrums would rupture on the plane and I would lose my hearing and become permanently deaf. You know me, always going straight to worst-case scenario. My sinuses magically cleared up right before my flight at 6am (by magically, I mean by grossing everyone out at the airport and blowing/squirting saline solution in my nose). So here I am, this sick, short, obviously-pregnant girl, and not a single person offered to help me lift my carry-on into the overhead compartment. This wouldn't have bothered me so much if no one was watching or could tell I was pregnant, but people were sitting there staring at me struggle. It made me not want to ask any of them for help, because they would have already been helping if they wanted to. I would've just asked the flight attendant when I got onto the plane, but I honestly thought the man in front of me would probably help me. He did not. People are rude. A nice guy helped me take it down though after the flight.

ANYWAY, I spent Friday hanging out with my parents. I was too excited to take a nap when I got home, so my dad took me to the diner for an early lunch. Scrapple and french toast were exactly what I needed, of course. Then, my mom took me to Hobby Lobby, which is like a combination of Home Goods and Michael's. I wanted to buy all the things, but couldn't, so it was torture. I finally napped and headed over to my cousin Chris' house for a little shindig for Kadie's 11th birthday. 1. It was nice to see that side of the fam (minus Kim, who was in Florida! We switched places! Ha), but 2. I was sitting there playing Apples to Apples with the girls, and it blew my mind how quickly time has flown by. I remember holding (/being terrified to hold) them when they were born, and now they are playing Apples to Apples with me. Before you know it, we'll be playing Cards Against Humanity together, geez...

Saturday was Lindsay's bridal shower! I was so happy I could make it up for this. All the bridesmaids and Rob and Lindsay's moms worked really hard to make sure the day was perfect for her, and I really think it couldn't have gone any better. I lied, it would have gone better if I could have taken a buddy shot with Linds, but there will be plenty of time for that at the wedding. It was a Pinterest-perfect shower, honestly. We set tables out in the yard with mismatched china, there were flowers everywhere, a mimosa bar, cute sandwiches and tons of desserts, and even a little set of white wicker benches for the gift-opening area. I finally got to meet the other bridesmaids who I hadn't met yet, and we all get along so well! Planning parties like this can be stressful, especially if you don't really know the other people you are working with... OR, it can be fun, because you make new friends. This was the latter circumstance, so it was awesome. And I got to meet Hershey, who is definitely going to be Nym's boyfriend when they finally meet.

Alas, after this lovely day, I got home that evening and realized that wearing 4-inch wedges all day in the sun is not a good idea for a pregnant lady. My feet and ankles were swollen like crazy. But I am not prepared to sacrifice my style yet, especially being so short, so I wore wedges all day the next day too, for my BABY SHOWER!

They were initially calling for severe thunderstorms and a tornado, but the weather miraculously held off until after everyone had left (and then our power went out for a couple hours but was back in  plenty of time for Game of Thrones, so it was fine). 

I can't even express how grateful I am to everyone, especially our moms and Linny, for making sure everything was perfect. I know my mom was going even more insane than usual having such a huge event at our house, but it really was the best day for Baby Mazz. Linny put together the cutest literary-themed bash, which was awesome for a bookworm such as myself :) A fuck ton of people came, which I wasn't expecting, so Baby Mazz now has a billion AWESOME books for his collection, and tons of thoughtful and useful gifts. I had to try really hard not to cry while I was reading cards and opening things.

It was the best being able to see most of the people I wanted to see all in one place. Next time I see most of my family and friends, I will have a baby. It's so weird. The day went by so fast and seemed like a dream, like the rest of the past six months have, honestly. But after everything was settled down last night, it hit me that this is REALLY HAPPENING. All the sickness, the annoying pregnancy symptoms, the stress... it's all going to culminate in a REAL LIVE BABY in a few months. I am probably never (I'll never say never again, but PROBABLY never) going to be pregnant again, so this is it. This was the baby shower, feeling him move for the next three months is the last time I'll feel a baby move from the inside, and time will fly by even faster after he is born (even though it might seem like it's dragging when I'm getting no sleep at first ;) ). I am trying to take it all in and be present in these moments, but it's hard when I just want to meet him and know that he is healthy and happy. I already love him no matter what, and after yesterday, it's pretty damn clear that a lot of other people do, too.

Pictures I have stolen, because I took none of my own, because I am a failure without my photographer husband documenting our lives:

A massive cold and no sleep can't keep me away from celebrating my little rock star dude <3 
Everyone filled out one of these cards. Some were sappy (lots of hoping he travels and loves his family). Some were funny (learns Swahili, loves the snow, learns to be a Pokemon master, becomes a hypothetical badass, to name just a few). All of them will be seen by Baby Mazz when he is older. :)

Linny did an amazing job with the theme, and the cakes!

The Cow jumped Over the Moon... Pies. Hah so cute.
So colorful and fun. Just the way I like it.

Mommom Mazz and Mommom Deeg
Great Grandmom Kayser and Great Grandmom Mazzola
Aunt Linny
Poppop Deeg and Poppop Mazz, and the Lawnmower Man, which is probably why I am cracking up
Lauren Squared! My shoes have come off at this point, but it's okay because it was the end of the party.
Minty Katherine, Minty Becca, Minty Eri, and Minty Helen!
Friends and babies. <3