Monday, May 30, 2016

27 Week Update

27 weeks. The last week of my second trimester began yesterday. The trimester everyone says you feel amazing, energetic, glowing, and love being pregnant. It's after the morning sickness, but before the swelling and physical discomfort gets bad.

That was a load of shit for me.

I am feeling pretty sad about this. I'm not ungrateful for being pregnant AT ALL, so I feel bad complaining, but it's like I always tell people who are upset: of course people might have it worse than you, but that doesn't mean what you are going through doesn't suck, too. I am just trying to be honest, and what I am honestly feeling is that I got the shaft with pregnancy. Maybe not the SHAFTIEST shaft (that's a thing, I say so), but definitely more the shaft than NOT the shaft. I was so happy when I stopped feeling sick and got some more energy, only to have it completely zapped when I got sick. And this sickness has lingered for, what, over a month now? The pain from my ribs and chest muscles started to subside a couple weeks ago, and the coughing got down to a minimum, only to come back again this morning with a vengeance. My ears itch, my sinuses are clogged, my throat hurts... I feel exactly like I did when I first got sick. I am extremely anxious about how this will affect my upcoming plane ride on Friday, not just because of my own health, but because I hate causing discomfort to those around me. No one wants to be on a plane with someone who is hacking up a lung every two seconds. Fuck, even I don't want to be on a plane with me right now.

And I want to stop coughing so I can sing to Baby Mazz. I just want to sing and talk to him without coughing, so he can hear me being all nice and lovely, not gross and loud. I feel sad for him stuck in there with me like this. I feel like I may have actually enjoyed being pregnant over the past couple months if it hadn't been for this illness.

Otherwise, I am healthy. I don't have gestational diabetes! And our new mattress has improved my back pain significantly in the past few days (a king-size mattress is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life). But I'm feeling a bit mentally off. My to-do list is as big as the mattress. I'm anxious about the future, which is nothing new, only now another helpless human will be completely dependent on me for survival. I'm sad about work ending (never thought I'd EVER say that). It is getting increasingly difficult for me to breathe and bend and lift, because my belly is getting huge. I didn't think I was that big until Eric posted this picture:


I have been taking lots of my bump pictures with my stomach showing or in a bikini, because 1. It's hot as hell in Florida, and 2. I knew it would be the best way for me to grow accustomed to and appreciate my changing body. So when I saw this picture, while my first thought was that I love it, my second thought was, "You are huge. You are the hugest you have ever been in your life."

Yeah yeah, I know I'm pregnant, not fat. That's not the point. The point is that, regardless, this is the biggest I have ever been. It's a good thing. It's for Baby Mazz. My boobs and thighs have gained some weight too, but that's all. Even if it wasn't, it would still be what my baby needed, and so be it. But I am hearing horror stories from other moms about the third trimester. Things like, "Haha, enjoy your cute belly now. You're going to blow up soon," or, "Just wait until your whole body swells. You won't even be able to get your shoes on!" or even just flat-out "Your third trimester is going to suck."

While this all might be true, I don't understand why they feel the need to say these things with such... enjoyment? I don't even know the right word to describe the tone, but it's like people are ENJOYING scaring the shit out of me. It's not supportive. It doesn't make me feel prepared. I already know what happens in terms of that stuff. I've talked to doctors and read plenty of pregnancy books about what to expect. And also, close friends tell me the gross, untalked-about symptoms of pregnancy and postpartum, which I am eternally grateful for, or else I really WOULDN'T know those things might happen.  But hearing the weight gain things said in such a not-nice way with a smirk just makes me feel fucking terrified, like I am going to turn into a huge, ugly blimp. And here's the thing: I don't feel ugly right now, but I feel like maybe I should. Right now, I feel like it's the first time in my life that I actually appreciate my body for what it is. I'm honestly mostly self-conscious about my boobs, not my belly. But maybe I should start feeling ugly soon, because that's apparently how this works for everyone in the third trimester.

I'm pretty sure no one who would read this has said any of this stuff to me, by the way, so don't freak out. You're all cool. I'm just saying, it's hard enough to be pregnant and go through all these weird changes, especially in a society that conditions us to believe that being thin and fit is the only beautiful, healthy, body type. I'm not a fan of the Kardashians, but hell, Kim Kardashian was fat-shamed WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT. Both times. That's ridiculous. We don't need to scare the shit out of each other, okay? It's not like having been pregnant makes you part of some all-knowing, elite mean girls' club. We can empower other women, so they can at least feel good about themselves while they are pregnant, even despite all the obviously shitty pregnancy issues I have discussed over the past few months. There's a difference between sharing information and honest feelings and being malicious.

Alright, this week's rant is over. Here's an abridged bump update for those of you on bump watch.

How far along?  27 weeks. Baby Mazz is as big as a FENNEC FOX OMG THIS IS EVEN BETTER THAN A SLOW LORIS.

Total weight gain/measurements: As of last week, I was 8 lbs. above my pre-pregnancy weight.

Maternity clothes: I ordered TWO nice dresses from pinkblushmaternity.com and THEY BOTH FIT! It's a miracle! I will be able to wear one of them postpartum as well, which is great.

Stretch marks: Still none, but according to the moms who like to scare me, I will definitely start seeing them soon, lol. But for real, I'm pretty sure I will get some. Too bad. You can all look at me in a bikini with stretch marks all over my belly.

Sleep: YESSSSSSSS IN A NEW, COMFY, SUPPORTIVE KING SIZE BED!!! But still having really weird dreams and waking up to pee at least once.

Best moment this week: Going out on the boat and hanging out with the Florida fam for MDW. My first sober MDW in a decade, and it was one of the best. :)

Symptoms: Heartburn, back pain, possibly Braxton Hicks?, stuffy nose (not my sickness, but just in general, increased mucus production is a symptom), shortness of breath, lightheadedness.

Belly button in or out? Guys, it's finally basically OUT. Wahhhhhh!

Looking forward to: The Jerz :)

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