Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Vivid Dreams

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a really terrible relationship with sleep. I can't fall asleep or stay asleep, I go to bed late and wake up early, and I function on like four hours of sleep on a regular basis because it's just what I'm used to.

But possibly the most disturbing thing about my sleep is that I have the most ridiculous dreams. Dreams that make me not even WANT to go to sleep. They are incredibly vivid, and usually terrifying and/or violent, almost every night. I remember most of them. I would give examples, but you will think I'm even crazier than you already do and try to commit me to a mental institution.
This is how it has always been for me, for my entire life.

No one warned me that pregnant women start to have crazy dreams on a regular basis.

So imagine my nightmares, on steroids, have started happening MULTIPLE times a night. For the past few days, I've woken up hyperventilating and crying. Even if I wanted to go back to sleep, I couldn't, because I am SO AWAKE at that point. And the dreams aren't even about baby stuff or pregnancy concerns. Trust me, I've had LOTS of experience deciphering my dreams, and these mean nothing. They are just flat-out terrifying.

I know one of the main concerns of parents-to-be is the impending exhaustion of dealing with a newborn. I've thought about this, and I'm not that scared of it, because I function on no sleep anyway. But now, I'm concerned that I will pass my ridiculous brain on to this kid, and they will NEVER learn to sleep. I never did. I feel bad for what I put my parents through, waking them up at all hours of the night, even as a teenager sometimes. Not because I needed comforting, but because I needed to make sure everyone was okay. And I'm not concerned for my own well-being. I'm concerned for my kid, because I would never wish this dream-hell on anyone.

I really hope it doesn't get worse as the pregnancy continues. I don't see how it can. It's already really bad. 

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