Tuesday, February 16, 2016

So... I'm Pregnant...

December 27th, 2015.


Ew. That sounds weird. That sounds even weirder than fiancé and husband, but there isn't a word like beyoncé that I can use instead. Nothing good rhymes with pregnant. Ew.

So this is how it went down:

WAIT. Not like, how I actually got pregnant. EW. I will not be sharing that. But here is the back story of this situation, because I know all of you probably felt like this day would come, even though I vehemently denied ever wanting to be a mom. EW THIS IS ALL TOO WEIRD. Can this kid just call me Deeg?

The truth is that I truly, honestly never wanted kids. I never had a maternal instinct. I am very caring and loyal, and I am good with kids, but that doesn't mean I ever thought I would be a good mom, or wanted that for myself. My whole life, I wanted to have a career. I wanted to be a cool aunt, like my Aunt Joyce. I wanted to have a glamorous job in New York City, where I got to go to the Plaza Hotel for lunch and Broadway shows at night and run from my swanky townhome in Manhattan to Central Park and back. Then, when I wanted a kid, I could just visit everyone else's kids! I could bring them LOTS of cool presents and messy treats, play games, and then hand them off when they cried or got annoying. I would go home and sleep in my giant king size bed with my husband and my three giant dogs, and not wake up once. Or, I would hop on a plane and jetset to Tuscany for a girls' trip, where we would all lounge in a villa with an infinity pool and drink wine for a week.

On top of that, I have struggled for a long time with disordered eating and body image issues. I never thought that I would have a healthy enough diet to stay healthy during a pregnancy. I never wanted to have a healthy diet, if I'm being honest. It is really hard for me to straddle the line between being "healthy" and going overboard into "never eating 'bad' food" which leads to "never eating food. period." I like being able to eat whatever I want, but also to control my impulses. No aversions, no cravings. Just everything in moderation. And if I'm being REALLY honest, I never wanted to sacrifice my body to have a baby. The thought of gaining weight terrified me, and the thought of saggy skin and stretch marks terrified me even more. I never think other people look bad after having kids. Just me. I would look bad. And my husband wouldn't love me anymore, and I wouldn't love me anymore. That was my disordered thought process.

I am selfish, and always have been. I like to give to other people, but having a child requires complete sacrifice, and that is something I have never been willing or able to do. I have always had goals, and they didn't include being a mom. Not even a working mom. They just included work and play. Lots of play.

Alas, life doesn't always go as planned, and here I am, a nanny in Florida, which isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, I'm loving my life right now. Plans and goals change. At least the husband and dog thing worked out! And luckily, my husband happened to be a husband who never wanted kids, either.

But when Kristin told me she was pregnant, I was so happy for her. And then I started thinking, "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad..." But then I saw how miserable she was in the first trimester, and I realized I was being silly, and I should never have a kid. Duh. BUT THEN, I saw Chloe, and it was the first time I ever saw a baby that I didn't think looked like an alien. And I saw how tired but happy Kristin and Ben were, despite a horrible labor, and it was like a switch flipped in me. Like my biological alarm started ringing REALLY LOUD all of a sudden, and I could not shut it off.

I wanted to have a kid.

I was scared, but I thought I wanted to do it. AND THEN, when I started nannying and was able to take care of a baby from the day he was born, AND a four-year-old at the same time, I realized it was possible. I just had to be selfless enough to actually do it.

Without going in to too much detail about my lady health, the doctor told me that it would probably be difficult and take a long time for me to get pregnant, if I could even get pregnant without "help." I figured that was karma for being so adamant that I never wanted a kid.

So, Eric and I talked a lot. We went back and forth a lot. It was kind of unfair that I just changed my mind in the middle of the game, but shit happens, and I couldn't help it I guess. We both thought that it was terrifying, but would be something we probably wanted in the future. I said I did not want to have a baby if it was going to pop out after the last day of my 29th year. I wanted to be a relatively young mom if I was going to be one at all, and with my reproductive issues, I would rather not have the increased risk that being over 30 brings. I did not want to do IVF or have "help." Ultimately, we decided that I would go off the pill and see what happened. That was a full year ago.

I never regulated. We weren't able to plan for ovulation, because we didn't even know if I was ovulating. The doctor said one of my ovaries may not be working. "Just try if you want one anytime in the next couple years," she said. "It will be very difficult for you," she said. That was in October.

So, when I started hating peanut butter this past week (which is LITERALLY my favorite food ever and I eat it every day), only eating Christmas cookies all day, feeling a little sick, and feeling like I was getting my period but it never came yesterday... I woke up early this morning and went out and bought a pregnancy test. And when the first one showed two lines, I thought it just could not be true. It was a mistake. I took the digital test next, and it said a big fat Y-E-S + on the screen.

There's no denying it.

I woke Eric up to tell him and had a massive freak out. He is much calmer than I am about it. I did not think this would ACTUALLY happen right now. I knew it could, but I thought my ovaries were a little too spastic, okay?! But what's done is done, and what's meant to be will be, and I suppose this was meant to be.

I am calling the doctor tomorrow, and hopefully she can tell me about the risks and the steps I can/should take next.

Even though this is what I wanted, I am in shock. I am wondering if this was a good idea. But mostly, I am hoping that everything is okay, because I think if I could relax and know everything is okay, I would be ecstatic.

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