Sunday, February 28, 2016

Week 14 Bump Update

Guys. This past week was pretty meh. Eric's dad left, and we don't like when visitors leave. We also spent our beautiful Saturday morning at the vet with Nym... again... because she now has an infection. Her leg is healing well, but she has been chewing on her paw incessantly. Then, she started scratching her face, and on Friday night, she broke out in a huge red rash all over her belly. My poor girl :( Back on the antibiotics she goes.

We DID go to see Deadpool and get some food at Yard House with our friends Eric and Keely yesterday after the vet. It felt SO GOOD to get out of the house and see people and do things like my old self again (minus the beer :(). My verdict: entertaining, pretty funny, but not as hilarious or amazing as everyone said. I'd still recommend seeing it though. Definitely my favorite of all the "superhero" movies.

The neighborhood has been swarming with people for the Honda Classic this week. If you don't know what that is, you need to either step up your golf game or move to Palm Beach Gardens. EVERYONE in Palm Beach Gardens knows about the Honda Classic. It's the town's claim to fame. I happen to live in PGA National, HOME OF THE HONDA CLASSIC, whoop di doo. The most famous golfers in the world are floating around my neighborhood right now for this tournament, and yet all I see are a bunch of asshole tourists in visors and polos attempting to cross the road in the MIDDLE OF A CIRCLE to take pictures with some Honda cars. Come on now, people.

Anyway, I am 14 weeks in to pregnancy world as of today. I have given my mom "rules" about what to buy for my kid, because I don't want her to go overboard buying things, and Eric and I DEFINITELY have different taste in children's clothing. Example: My mom would love to dress a little boy in a peter pan-collared blouse with suspenders, knee socks, and saddle shoes. Think Prince George. We, on the other hand, would love to dress a little boy in a beanie, a band shirt, and Converse Chuck Taylors or moccasins. She went "baby window shopping" with her friend (who is also expecting a grandbaby due around the same time as mine!). They weren't going to buy anything, but they saw THIS:
Little rock star rebel overalls! HOW COOL!
I am proud of my mom for actually buying something for my child that probably makes her cringe. Ya done good, Mom.

How far along? 14 weeks
Total weight gain: I don't know, but I think I am starting to gain. I definitely look more bloated, which I must remind myself is NOT FAT, it's a baby. I am trying hard to eat, and to start eating well again. I'm pretty active at work chasing around the kiddos (little man is moving and climbing everywhere now!). I have a doctor appointment on Friday, so I'll find out if I am getting on track with the weight gain.
Maternity clothes? No. I torture myself by going in to Target and looking at all the cute clothes I can't buy because I know they won't fit me soon, then walking over to the maternity section and looking at all the cute clothes that don't fit me yet. I JUST WANT TO GO SHOPPING FOR MYSELF.
Stretch marks? Not yet
Sleep: No. Hahahaha. My dreams are CRAZY. I wrote about my most recent wacky dreams this week, but didn't share it on Facebook for fear that someone would try to commit me to a psych ward. Feel free to check out the post here, as long as you remember this is a No Judgement Zone. It gets pretty weird, guys. Prettyyyyy weird.
Best moment this week: Going out and seeing Eric and Keely yesterday! I AM A NORMAL HOOMAN AGAIN!!!
Miss anything? Beer. I'm not opposed to having one sip of Eric's or something, but I just don't see the point in that. It's torture to take a sip and like it and not be able to drink more. I swear I'm not an alcoholic. I just really miss everything about beer. Going to local breweries, trying interesting new beers, enjoying a couple with friends without feeling hungover the next day... I thought I'd miss wine most, but I really miss beer. And I always miss family and friends from up north, obviously.
Movement: Nope
Food cravings: I need to have a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast. I get really sad if I can't. But besides that, nothing crazy that I've NEEDED right that second. Still just having aversions.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still the usuals: peanut butter, chicken, and sweet smells. But I am starting to be more okay with sweets. 
Gender: Little dude
Labor signs: No
Symptoms: Some of those round ligament growing pains. Aversions. The nausea will randomly hit me hard, but I have more good days than bad now. Headaches. The sore boobs and acne have gotten better over the past week, so it better stay that way...
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or moody most of the time: MOODY. I have been very irritable this week. I don't think it's right to discount the feelings of pregnant women and chalk them up to "being hormonal," but I know I've been moody this week.
Looking forward to: Linny visiting in a couple weeks, going to Disney, going home in April, and picking stuff out for the baby's room! We aren't going to start decorating until after our trip in April, but I think we have a theme and colors picked out :)

Friday, February 26, 2016

Weird Dreams

This is a really pointless post for everyone besides myself, but I need to document these dreams I've had the past few nights. They are probably the most vivid dreams I've ever had. Just save yourself the trouble and stop reading if other people's weird dreams hold no interest for you.

A few nights ago, I was at college, and I was going to a concert. Only I wasn't at UD. It was a shitty venue that local bands in Township used to play on back in the day... but it was located in my back yard in NJ. You know how dreams do. ANYWAY, we were waiting for QUEEN to play, and everyone was talking about if Freddie Mercury would be there or not. I'm normally terrified of crowds, ESPECIALLY at concerts (the result of getting decimated in a mosh pit when I was 14...), but I told Eric I wanted to be in the front row. No one else really cared that much, so no one was close to the front (idiots). And then, the band came out, and the lights lit up, and I SAW HIM. FREDDIE MERCURY. I started crying tears of happiness. They played Bohemian Rhapsody, Fat Bottomed Girls, and one other song I can't remember now. Then they were done. But Freddie came and hung out with me and Eric in my front yard afterwards. I was telling him how great the show was and how it was awesome to see him. He said they were trying to figure out if they should play a couple more songs, and I said YEAH YOU SHOULD. You should play Killer Queen and Somebody to Love. He said it was a great idea. But as we both turned to part ways, I realized that Freddie Mercury died a long time ago. I got really scared and turned back around and said, "WAIT. How are you here right now... Please, don't go! PLEASE DON'T GO, WE NEED YOU HERE!" But he smiled and just kind of disappeared.

Tell me that's not really fucking weird. But also the best dream I've ever had. It was SO REAL.

Two nights ago, I was back in high school, sort of. I was my age, living my life I live now, but in my high school. It was freshman year. This kid who I almost dated but ended up not (thank god) was there, and I turned him down, just like I did in real life. Only my friend said she liked him and wanted to go out with him. They made plans to go to the movies. I yelled at her and asked her what the hell she was doing. She told me to chill. I asked if her husband knows, and she said "No, we're just friends. I'm allowed to go to the movies with friends." I told her she was being a fucking idiot and was going to ruin her life. She yelled at me and told me we weren't friends anymore. I went home and cried to Eric, and he said I tried to do the right thing.

Lollllllll.

This last dream is kind of disturbing, so if you get grossed out easily, stop reading.

Last night, I was at this tattoo shop with a bunch of friends, but ALSO with the CAST OF FRIENDS. Like their characters. We were all friends. So I was sitting there, and Ross was trying to convince me not to get a tattoo, and everyone else was just looking around the shop. I said "I'm not getting a tattoo. Relax." So, I sat down in the chair and told the guy I wanted NAILS IN MY ARM. Like kind of right above the inside of my elbow. I got SIX NAILS pierced through my left arm, all different sizes, and some were definitely old. It was bleeding and disgusting, but everyone liked it (except Ross...). I tried to clean it when I got home, but it hurt too badly. They were right under the top layer of skin, and I remember thinking they were going to pop out, like some people's industrial piercings do if their body rejects them. When I woke up the next morning, it looked really red and infected, and I was scared that there were rusty nails in my arm. I went back to the shop, just with Rachel and Phoebe this time, and the guy taught me how to clean it. He said it was infected but would be fine. I told him I wanted them out of my arm, but he said he couldn't do that. I would have to get them surgically removed at the hospital. I started crying. But then Rachel and Phoebe took me to a water park (NOT where you want to be with a new/infected piercing...), and we had fun going down waterslides and hanging out on the lazy river.

THE END!

Just so you know, I am not psychotic. I have weird dreams on a regular basis, but they have gotten even weirder lately. This is totally normal during pregnancy apparently. Also, these dreams don't mean anything. I am a pro at figuring out my dreams, and these are not hidden fears or hopes and dreams. These are just vivid, wacky, hormone-induced dreams.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Week 13 Update

Today, I am 13 weeks pregnant, and apparently my baby is the size of a peach! I still don't have any bump. Maybe I look a little more bloated, especially after I eat. I don't really want to post pictures of my bloated stomach online though... maybe next week.

So the doctor office called on Friday with my blood test results... thanks? If I hadn't been there on Monday, I guess I wouldn't have gotten the call until Friday, even though they clearly had the results ALL WEEK... While I had her on the phone, I asked about my ultrasound measurement results. The ultrasound tech didn't say anything besides "looks good right now," because that's all she's allowed to say really. No doctor came to talk to me, so I figured everything was okay at the time. But all week, I've been thinking, "What if something was wrong and they just aren't telling me until my next appointment with a doctor?" The lady said that if anything is even questionable with an ultrasound, they call a doctor in right away. So... that's good!

I'm just becoming increasingly annoyed with the way things are run there. I feel out of the loop with my own treatment, kind of uninformed even though I ask millions of questions, and it's very impersonal. It's a huge practice, so no one even remembers me when I come in. Last Friday when I called to see if they had the test results, they called me back with SOMEONE ELSE'S RESULTS. They started talking about cervical polyps. The doctors have all been very nice, but mixups, delays, and feeling uninformed has me concerned. I am debating switching practices, or possibly switching to a midwife.

Not much to report this week. I wish I had non-baby stuff to write about, but this has been all-consuming recently. Work has been good. Baby received his first gift. Work fam gave me little monster butt onesies for my little dude! They match my current favorite outfit of little buddy. Hehehe.

How cute! A newborn size and a 6 month size!
And Eric's dad is currently here visiting, so that has been nice. OH, and Nym got her staples out! The vet said she is healing very well. Still no stairs, running, or jumping for a long time, but we're getting there! Okay, I'll make this quick so I can go hang out.

How far along? 13 weeks
Total weight gain: Well, I didn't LOSE any weight at the doctor last week. I weighed the same. So that's progress.
Maternity clothes? Not yet. No bump or weight gain really. But Eric's dad just told me that Eric was over 9lbs. when he was born, and the ultrasound tech already told me my baby looks long, so I have a feeling I'll be getting a BIG bump eventually...
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: Terrible with crazy dreams. My front teeth were cracking and falling out the other night. That's tame compared to the rest of my dreams. 
Best moment this week: Being able to finally TELL PEOPLE I'm pregnant, so hopefully they realize I haven't just been an antisocial asshole the past couple months. Hahahaha
Miss anything? Family, alcohol, food, clear skin... the usual
Movement: Not yet
Food cravings: Still just horrible aversions, but bagels and cream cheese are my shit right now. I could eat them all day every day! I also really wanted pie yesterday, so Eric got me an apple pie from Publix... random, but delicious.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything in life. Still hating the sweet and fried food smells. Don't want to think about peanut butter or chicken, or any meat at all really. I have definitely been eating more than I was the past few months though.
Gender: IT'S A BOY!!!!! :)
Labor signs: No.
Symptoms: Some round ligament pain started yesterday I think, headaches, some lightheadedness, crazy dreams, food and smell aversions and nausea have come back more this week :(, and sore boobs, but that is basically gone. The breakouts on my cheeks have been THE WORST THING about this experience. I have always had clear skin, and now it's not. It is killing my self-esteem. :(
Belly button in or out? In!
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or moody most of the time: I honestly think I've been happy this week! I don't think my hormonal moodiness is too bad. Most of the moodiness had to do with all the stress and bad things happening lately.
Looking forward to: Visitors, Disney in March, NJ in April (oh, we'll be home April 7th-12th by the way!), and brainstorming ideas for the baby's room

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Week 12 Update

Bonjour, and welcome to week twelve of human growing!

I don't really have much to report. This past week was better than the last, but I don't think that was difficult to achieve. No car accidents, no Nym surgeries. I did not find out my test results, so hopefully they have them tomorrow when I go for my ultrasound. As long as they say everything looks good, we are preparing to start spreading the news to the world tomorrow night.

Besides that, today is Valentine's Day, which you know I strongly dislike. However, I agreed to babysit today, so I will be putting on my biggest, pinkest, sparkliest smiling face and attempting to make Valentine's-themed chocolate covered pretzels with a five-year-old while an eleven-month-old wreaks havoc, I'm sure. Kristin... I mean, my stalker... left a black rose on my car windshield this morning, which is much more indicative of how I feel about today.

How far along? 12 weeks
Total weight gain: Still don't own a scale, but hopefully I've put on at least a pound in the past week. I've been eating a bagel with cream cheese every morning, so hopefully that helps :P  
Maternity clothes? Still no need for any, but I think I'm going to have to go up a bra size ASAP...
Stretch marks? None yet. Still using baby oil and the Burt's Bees Belly Butter, which is impossible to find at Target. Hopefully I can find it somewhere else, because it's almost gone.
Sleep: Not sleeping well and having crazy dreams... so just the usual
Best moment this week: Going out to dinner last night with Eric. It was the first time I left my house for an unnecessary reason in over a month. No work, no errands... just to spend some time together. And FINALLY go out to eat, which I have been afraid to do out of fear of puking all over the table. We ate outside so I didn't feel trapped by food smells.
Miss anything? Alcohol. Clear skin. My family. My energy.
Movement: Nope
Food cravings: BAGELS AND CREAM CHEESE. And turkey and cheese sandwiches. I could eat a million of these things a day and still not have enough. I just ate a bagel an hour ago and I want another one, but I will resist.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still peanut butter, coffee, chocolate, chicken, and most smells. Especially sweet smells or fried food smells. Ughhhhh barf.
Gender: WE WILL FIND OUT THIS WEEK. And if we don't, I will call and demand some answers, because these test results are only supposed to take ten days max to come back.
Labor signs: No
Symptoms: REALLY bad acne. I don't know what to do about it. Headaches, sore boobs but not as sore as before, nausea but not as bad or as often or before, tired but not as exhausted as before... Dare I say I am on the upswing?!
Belly button in or out? In!
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or moody most of the time: Moody, but I think that's justified given the things that have happened the past few weeks. Even if I wasn't pregnant, I'd be struggling to stay happy all the time.
Looking forward to: Test results and ultrasound! TELLING PEOPLE FINALLY! Nym getting her staples out, Eric's dad coming to visit this week, Linny visiting in less than a month

Week 11 Update

February 7th, 2016.

Well, last week was one of the worst weeks ever for me personally. Nym's spirits improved as the week went on, which made it very difficult to keep her calm when we took her out for potty time. She just wanted to jump and run everywhere. I don't blame her. Dogs are meant to run, not stay cooped up inside :( The vet told us on Monday that she definitely needed surgery ASAP.

On Wednesday afternoon, I got into a car accident on 95 with the kids. The panic that went through my brain when that lady decided to merge onto the highway... right into the side of the car... I can't even describe it to you. A car accident is literally my worst nightmare come true, and when I say LITERALLY, I mean it. I have had a recurring nightmare about getting into an accident since I was five years old. I've never been in one... until this happened. Thank god the kids were not hurt at all. No ambulances or hospital visits needed. My little buddy cried for maybe two seconds, probably from the shock of us going "AHH!", and my girl honestly kept me cracking up instead of freaking out. She thought the whole thing was HILARIOUS. Luckily, the other driver pulled over right behind me and profusely apologized. It was truly the scariest experience of my life, and I'm sure for their parents' lives, too. I can't imagine getting a phone call like the one I had to give. I obviously feel terrible, even though I know it wasn't my fault. I just keep thinking about how much worse it could have been. I have had some difficulty getting in to cars since it happened, but I haven't had a full-blown panic attack. Hopefully, it stays that way.

Moral of the story: Don't drive in south Florida during rush hour. It might be less crowded than NJ, but the drivers are WAY worse.

Needless to say, I was very, very worried that the accident caused some harm to my little human. I felt fine, so I just went home and tried to chill. Every little cramp made me freak out, but I had no bleeding, so I figured I would just wait to see how things went at my appointment on Friday.

SO, Friday rolled around, and we took Nym in for surgery in the morning. They said they would call when they started and finished, later in the afternoon, so I didn't spend all day worrying. But I still hate leaving her there without us. I am always afraid she will think we abandoned her, like her first family did. Later that day, they told us she did great in surgery. We picked her up yesterday morning, and she was pretty tired and in pain, but ecstatic to see us! This morning, she has been moving around a bit more and being cuddly as ever :) We've had a hard time giving her medicine though, which is BULLSHIT, because she'll eat six socks whole, but not swallow some pills?!

We headed straight over to the doctor after the vet on Friday, where I was told everything appeared to be fine with my little chicken! They even found the heartbeat, after about a minute of baby playing hide and seek with the doppler. It's around 160-170. I also got SEVEN viles of blood extracted from my tiny baby veins with a pediatric needle. In about a week, we should have the results of the genetic testing, which will tell us if baby is high or low risk for chromosomal abnormalities, as well as give us the gender. EEEEEEEEE!!!! I obviously hope the baby is healthy, but I am really excited to know if it's a boy or a girl.

If you are interested in a bump update, here it is.

How far along? 11 weeks.
Total weight gain: -2 more lbs. :( She said not to worry. She said she lost 10 lbs. with both of her pregnancies, and that I'd catch up during the second trimester when I feel better. I hope so.
Maternity clothes? None yet. I think I just look slightly bloated. I'll start taking weekly pictures next week.
Stretch marks? None yet, but my belly button is starting to get really itchy. I'm still using the belly butter, regular lotion, and now baby oil as well.
Sleep: Horrible this week, understandably. Still napping a ton and having crazy dreams.
Best moment this week: Not dying in a car crash? Nym surviving the surgery? I'm trying really hard to find a good thing about this week...
Miss anything? Food. Everything sounds good, until I think about putting it in my mouth. Then I want to throw up.
Movement: Nope
Food cravings: I really wanted water ice the other night, so I went and bought some Luigi's Italian Ice. Remember that stuff?! So that was random. But not really any super strong cravings, no.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still pretty much everything :(
Gender: We will know soon!
Labor signs: No
Symptoms: Sore boobs and sickness are getting slightly better I think, but I still feel nauseous every day. Headaches, exhaustion, acne.
Belly button in or out? Innie 4 eva
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or moody most of the time: Well this week, I'd say fucking miserable.
Looking forward to: Getting the genetic testing results, and the next ultrasound! And visitors coming soon, and Nymmy getting her staples out in two weeks :)

10-week Bump Update

January 31st, 2016

I am ten weeks along today! I am DYING to make this public knowledge.

Early last week, I started feeling okay-ish. I was still really tired, but I didn't feel so nauseous all the time. Then Friday rolled around, and it came back with a vengeance. As much as I want to feel better, I have to admit that feeling sick is making me feel less anxious about how things are progressing. I feel like my belly has not really changed at all, and that scares me. The only way to know that there is a growing baby in there at this point is by a growing belly or an ultrasound. Our last ultrasound was in the seventh week, so it's been a few weeks, and all my jeans still fit, so... I am worried. But I am still able to fall asleep mid-day at the drop of a hat, feel sick, have food aversions, and haven't had any bleeding or bad signs like that, so I guess all is well. We have my first full prenatal exam on Friday, and I CAN'T WAIT. 

Yesterday, we got some very stressful and sad news. Nym tore her ACL when Eric had her at the dog park. It has been especially difficult for me to deal with, because I hate being helpless. I can't help him move her or carry her out to go potty, because I can't lift heavy things, and she is a HEAVY thing. Plus, I am a hormonal, emotional wreck, so I was crying pretty much all day yesterday and this morning. I posted on Facebook about the situation, and we've gotten lots of love and advice from people. Unfortunately, a lot of people we know have been through this with their dogs, since it's a fairly common injury. It's not an easy one to deal with, though. Or a cheap one. I just wish I could explain to everyone why this is SO difficult to deal with right now. We are really stressed out and sad for Nym.

She is laying by my feet right now, and she just went potty (finally!). To take my mind off the bad things and focus on the GOOD things, I decided now was a good time to start doing a weekly "bump update!" I got this from Anna Saccone, who you can follow for lots of fun beauty, lifestyle, and family posts.

How far along? 10 weeks today!
Total weight gain: As of my last appointment a month ago, I had lost 3 lbs. from my normal weight, due to feeling so sick. I don't own a scale at home, and I refuse to get one unless the doctor says it is necessary for me to monitor my weight. I tend to get obsessive when I have a scale around, so I am just trying to eat what I can for now, and hopefully will catch up with the weight gain when I feel less sick and can eat healthier again.
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. Everything still fits well, except my bras. Hahahha
Stretch marks?  Nope, but I'm guessing I'll at least get them on my hips and thighs. That's where all my old ones are.
Sleep: I have the CRAZIEST DREAMS, so I don't sleep well at night. But I can nap like a pro in the middle of the day, so... yeah. Exhausted. Constantly.
Best moment this week: When Eric brought home pizza for dinner HAHAHAHA some things never change ;)
Miss anything?  Feeling "normal", my family and friends
Food cravings: Nope. Only aversions. Severe aversions.
Anything making you queasy or sick?  EVERYTHING. Peanut butter, bananas, chocolate, coffee, chicken, the smell of fried food, vegetables, any sweet tastes or smells. I have a very limited diet right now, that is totally unlike my normal diet :(
Gender: Eric and I both think it's a girl, but I bet it'll be a boy!
Labor signs: No!
Symptoms: Extreme fatigue, nausea literally 24/7 (but no throwing up yet!), boobs hurting, hormonal acne which sucks because I've never had breakouts in my life, daily headaches/migraines, food and smell aversions
Belly button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off: On.
Happy or moody most of the time: I want to say happy, but Eric will say moody :) I just want to feel better.
Looking forward to: Doctor appointment on Friday, Eric's dad visiting in a couple weeks

Ultrasound!

Not much has been happening, besides me riding the struggle bus through the land of nausea.

BUT TODAY

Today we got to see the baby!

We had the confirmation ultrasound, but it was so early at that point that nothing could really be seen. I've spent the past week and a half worrying, due to some issues I was having, so I was really anxious for this appointment today.

Turns out, everything looks good, there is no bleeding, and Baby Mazz has a strong heartbeat of 154, which we got to hear. I am 7 weeks 3 days, which is exactly what I thought. So... baby is due August 28th. I can't WAIT to be super pregnant during the extreme heat and humidity of Florida summer!

Here is the little peanut:


THAT'S MY UTERUS RIGHT THERE! WITH A LITTLE FETUS IN IT! My body is growing a real-life HUMAN BEING!

There is no denying the realness of this now. All I can do is hope things continue to go well and try not to be anxious. I am still trying to eat what I can when I can, instead of worrying about vegetables and protein and calories blah blah blah. It's too much to worry about. I have been living on frozen pizza and grilled cheese. Recently, my palate has expanded to tolerating watermelon, pineapple, perfectly ripe honeydew, blueberry muffins, yogurt, and DONUTS. I can't stop thinking about donuts. Just frosted donuts with jimmies. No cream filling or any of that shiz. Let's not get crazy. It's not like I'm a hormonal pregnant lady with cravings...

Vivid Dreams

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a really terrible relationship with sleep. I can't fall asleep or stay asleep, I go to bed late and wake up early, and I function on like four hours of sleep on a regular basis because it's just what I'm used to.

But possibly the most disturbing thing about my sleep is that I have the most ridiculous dreams. Dreams that make me not even WANT to go to sleep. They are incredibly vivid, and usually terrifying and/or violent, almost every night. I remember most of them. I would give examples, but you will think I'm even crazier than you already do and try to commit me to a mental institution.
This is how it has always been for me, for my entire life.

No one warned me that pregnant women start to have crazy dreams on a regular basis.

So imagine my nightmares, on steroids, have started happening MULTIPLE times a night. For the past few days, I've woken up hyperventilating and crying. Even if I wanted to go back to sleep, I couldn't, because I am SO AWAKE at that point. And the dreams aren't even about baby stuff or pregnancy concerns. Trust me, I've had LOTS of experience deciphering my dreams, and these mean nothing. They are just flat-out terrifying.

I know one of the main concerns of parents-to-be is the impending exhaustion of dealing with a newborn. I've thought about this, and I'm not that scared of it, because I function on no sleep anyway. But now, I'm concerned that I will pass my ridiculous brain on to this kid, and they will NEVER learn to sleep. I never did. I feel bad for what I put my parents through, waking them up at all hours of the night, even as a teenager sometimes. Not because I needed comforting, but because I needed to make sure everyone was okay. And I'm not concerned for my own well-being. I'm concerned for my kid, because I would never wish this dream-hell on anyone.

I really hope it doesn't get worse as the pregnancy continues. I don't see how it can. It's already really bad. 

Barf.

January 5th, 2016.

Update: I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

White cheddar cheez its make me want to barf. I don't know why I went on a three-day white cheddar cheez-its bender last week. It was a bad idea. The thought of fake cheese powder makes me want to barf.

Everything makes me want to barf.

I know some people have it a lot worse than this, like they ACTUALLY barf, but I am wondering if actually barfing might bring me some relief from this 24/7 nausea.

I am trying really hard to eat healthy. I am trying really hard to eat ANYTHING. But even crackers make me feel sick.

Yesterday was my first day back at work after a three-day weekend of laying down trying not to barf. Work fam gave me some pregnancy books to read. She gave me some tips on good pregnancy products to use. He told me to tell Eric he better learn how to live with a pregnant lady real quick hahahahah.

I felt a million times better being out of the house, and I even ate overnight oatmeal with peanut butter and banana for breakfast, a cheese sandwich for lunch, and some oyster crackers. I had whole wheat penne with vodka sauce for dinner. I was actually HUNGRY. I think it has to do with the fact that I didn't take my prenatal vitamin in the morning. I took it last night. Then, I spent all night waking up thinking I was going to throw up.

I just ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast for the first time in two weeks. I almost threw up, but I got it down, so that's good.

I went to the doctor yesterday, because I saw some spotting. I thought it would just be nothing, but they told me to come in. Then, I spent the whole day freaking out about it. Turns out, it was nothing! Everything is fine. She said I could still wait until next week for my ultrasound.

So... that is all for now. Just wanted to be a whiny little bitch. Also figured writing might take my mind off the intense nausea I am feeling. My cinnamon almond protein cheerios want to say hello again...

New Year's Eve Secrecy

January 1st, 2016.

WAHAHAHAHA I TRICKED EVERYONE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE! Sorry, friends.

I was drinking "vodka" lemonade all night, and I helped Kristin pour the champagne, aka snuck into the garage fridge to pour myself some sparkling white grape juice. Publix was all out of the sparkling cider that Aunt Joyce used to give us as kids. Wah. Disappointing.

I don't THINK anyone noticed. Eric, Ben, and Kristin were good with not giving anything away. When I asked Eric to refill my drink, he tapped on the window between the dining room and kitchen, held up the vodka bottle, and pointed at it as if to ask "This is what you were drinking, right?" Nice touch, Eric. Maybe you are not the worst liar of all time ;)

It was definitely weird not drinking alcohol in a social situation like that, where I know everyone else is drinking. I tried to be outgoing and bubbly, like my buzzed personality, but it was really hard with how tired I was and how shitty I felt. On top of the social anxiety I struggle with, even just around multiple friends at the same time, feeling nauseous at the thought of food did not help.

I thought the sickness wasn't supposed to start until six weeks, but part of the reason I knew I was pregnant is because I was starting to feel sick a little over a week ago. I guess everyone is different. Hopefully I don't start actually throwing up. I've been trying to force down ANY kind of food as soon as it sounds appealing to me. So far, that's pizza and white cheddar cheez its. I hate white cheddar cheez its. This is so fucking weird.

I ended up telling my work fam yesterday as well. It was going to be impossible to keep it a secret with multiple doctor appointments conflicting with my work schedule and the sickness I'm feeling. And god forbid something bad happens while I am at work, or I need to call out... I don't want them to think I'm just screwing them over, and I want them to understand what was going on. They were so supportive and excited and happy for me. Cue the crying all over again. I told them I am planning on operating just like normal, because it helps me stay relaxed when I'm busy, but they told me to just stay home and take care of myself if I'm feeling really bad and nothing important is going on that day. I am really, really lucky to have such a great support system.

IT'S REALLY HAPPENING!!!!!

December 30th, 2015.

Guys. I am FOR REAL PREGNANT.

Yesterday morning, I went to the lady doctor. Kristin came with me, because Eric had to work, and I was freaking out, so I had to talk to SOMEBODY. I didn't want to tell our parents yet. I wanted to make sure this was really happening.

So anyway, I went to the lady doctor. Long story short, they told me to get naked from the waist down, so I sat there with no pants on (covered up, obviously), and the dude doctor came in to talk to me (my first dude ob/gyn, so I felt weird). He explained tons of things about testing and screening and lots of stuff I had no clue I'd have to think about right now. Good thing I had a second set of ears there with me. Then, the nurse came in and took my blood. She said she would call me the next morning with the confirmation that I am, indeed, pregnant.

Then I was done, and Kristin and I were left wondering why I had no pants on. Not that I'm complaining about no pants. I love no pants. But for real, why did I have to take my pants off?

This morning, I received no phone call, so I called the office. They didn't have my results in. BUT, I had an ultrasound set up for today, so I NEEDED TO KNOW. Or else I was going to have some lady probing my vagina FOR NO REASON.

I got to the office, with Eric this time, and asked the lady at the desk about the bloodwork situation, because not only did I not want an unnecessary vagina probe, but I also did not want to pay for a pointless appointment. The nurse asked to speak with me on the phone, and said that she has been so swamped because of the short holiday weeks. She said I am 100% definitely pregnant, congratulations!

The ultrasound tech was super nice. She answered all my questions and made me feel WAY better about my "risky" behaviors. I believe her exact words were, "People party like rock stars! How do you think this happens?!" She said everything looked fine right now, from what she could even see. Basically, I am maybe five weeks along. I almost cried from relief when she told me that. She said all she could see there was a gestational sac and yolk sac. CONGRATS, YOU'RE HAVING A CHICKEN!

I am going back in two weeks to see if the baby has developed any further, so she can get a more definite idea of a due date and how things are progressing. But she said congratulations and she thinks I am fine :)

Eric was completely silent throughout this whole process, and the lady and I were poking fun at him. I think he was in awe. I love him. He's holding up very well :P

When we got home, Eric drew a new picture on our chalkboard:


We video chatted with my parents and his parents. We told them we got them a VERY EXPENSIVE (not technically a lie...) Christmas gift that we hadn't sent yet, and we texted them a picture of the gift to make sure it was good before we sent it.

Needless to say, none of them expected this, both our moms flipped a shit crying, and both our dads said, "WHAT?!" Hahahahahha. I cried, too.

Everyone is very happy for us. We wanted to tell our parents right now. We couldn't keep it in. We know there is still a chance of miscarriage, especially with how weird my reproductive system is. But I would rather have some people I can lean on if that happens. I just know I won't want to deal with that alone. Let's hope that doesn't happen, though.

For now, I will try to keep eating and being healthy and stress-free, which we all know is going to be REALLY difficult for me. I shall distract myself with Pinterest. Kristin already made a secret baby board for me, with a ton of nursery themes and announcement photo ideas. Lunatic is more excited than I am, hahahaha. That's because she doesn't have to deal with this pregnancy bullshit this time. She just gets to do the fun things that a cool aunt does!

My REAL test will be if I can get through NEW YEARS FUCKING EVE without anyone realizing my glass is filled with sparkling cider and un-spiked juice. We all know I love me some wine and tequila...


So... I'm Pregnant...

December 27th, 2015.

Pregnant.

Ew. That sounds weird. That sounds even weirder than fiancé and husband, but there isn't a word like beyoncé that I can use instead. Nothing good rhymes with pregnant. Ew.

So this is how it went down:

WAIT. Not like, how I actually got pregnant. EW. I will not be sharing that. But here is the back story of this situation, because I know all of you probably felt like this day would come, even though I vehemently denied ever wanting to be a mom. EW THIS IS ALL TOO WEIRD. Can this kid just call me Deeg?

The truth is that I truly, honestly never wanted kids. I never had a maternal instinct. I am very caring and loyal, and I am good with kids, but that doesn't mean I ever thought I would be a good mom, or wanted that for myself. My whole life, I wanted to have a career. I wanted to be a cool aunt, like my Aunt Joyce. I wanted to have a glamorous job in New York City, where I got to go to the Plaza Hotel for lunch and Broadway shows at night and run from my swanky townhome in Manhattan to Central Park and back. Then, when I wanted a kid, I could just visit everyone else's kids! I could bring them LOTS of cool presents and messy treats, play games, and then hand them off when they cried or got annoying. I would go home and sleep in my giant king size bed with my husband and my three giant dogs, and not wake up once. Or, I would hop on a plane and jetset to Tuscany for a girls' trip, where we would all lounge in a villa with an infinity pool and drink wine for a week.

On top of that, I have struggled for a long time with disordered eating and body image issues. I never thought that I would have a healthy enough diet to stay healthy during a pregnancy. I never wanted to have a healthy diet, if I'm being honest. It is really hard for me to straddle the line between being "healthy" and going overboard into "never eating 'bad' food" which leads to "never eating food. period." I like being able to eat whatever I want, but also to control my impulses. No aversions, no cravings. Just everything in moderation. And if I'm being REALLY honest, I never wanted to sacrifice my body to have a baby. The thought of gaining weight terrified me, and the thought of saggy skin and stretch marks terrified me even more. I never think other people look bad after having kids. Just me. I would look bad. And my husband wouldn't love me anymore, and I wouldn't love me anymore. That was my disordered thought process.

I am selfish, and always have been. I like to give to other people, but having a child requires complete sacrifice, and that is something I have never been willing or able to do. I have always had goals, and they didn't include being a mom. Not even a working mom. They just included work and play. Lots of play.

Alas, life doesn't always go as planned, and here I am, a nanny in Florida, which isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, I'm loving my life right now. Plans and goals change. At least the husband and dog thing worked out! And luckily, my husband happened to be a husband who never wanted kids, either.

But when Kristin told me she was pregnant, I was so happy for her. And then I started thinking, "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad..." But then I saw how miserable she was in the first trimester, and I realized I was being silly, and I should never have a kid. Duh. BUT THEN, I saw Chloe, and it was the first time I ever saw a baby that I didn't think looked like an alien. And I saw how tired but happy Kristin and Ben were, despite a horrible labor, and it was like a switch flipped in me. Like my biological alarm started ringing REALLY LOUD all of a sudden, and I could not shut it off.

I wanted to have a kid.

I was scared, but I thought I wanted to do it. AND THEN, when I started nannying and was able to take care of a baby from the day he was born, AND a four-year-old at the same time, I realized it was possible. I just had to be selfless enough to actually do it.

Without going in to too much detail about my lady health, the doctor told me that it would probably be difficult and take a long time for me to get pregnant, if I could even get pregnant without "help." I figured that was karma for being so adamant that I never wanted a kid.

So, Eric and I talked a lot. We went back and forth a lot. It was kind of unfair that I just changed my mind in the middle of the game, but shit happens, and I couldn't help it I guess. We both thought that it was terrifying, but would be something we probably wanted in the future. I said I did not want to have a baby if it was going to pop out after the last day of my 29th year. I wanted to be a relatively young mom if I was going to be one at all, and with my reproductive issues, I would rather not have the increased risk that being over 30 brings. I did not want to do IVF or have "help." Ultimately, we decided that I would go off the pill and see what happened. That was a full year ago.

I never regulated. We weren't able to plan for ovulation, because we didn't even know if I was ovulating. The doctor said one of my ovaries may not be working. "Just try if you want one anytime in the next couple years," she said. "It will be very difficult for you," she said. That was in October.

So, when I started hating peanut butter this past week (which is LITERALLY my favorite food ever and I eat it every day), only eating Christmas cookies all day, feeling a little sick, and feeling like I was getting my period but it never came yesterday... I woke up early this morning and went out and bought a pregnancy test. And when the first one showed two lines, I thought it just could not be true. It was a mistake. I took the digital test next, and it said a big fat Y-E-S + on the screen.

There's no denying it.

I woke Eric up to tell him and had a massive freak out. He is much calmer than I am about it. I did not think this would ACTUALLY happen right now. I knew it could, but I thought my ovaries were a little too spastic, okay?! But what's done is done, and what's meant to be will be, and I suppose this was meant to be.

I am calling the doctor tomorrow, and hopefully she can tell me about the risks and the steps I can/should take next.

Even though this is what I wanted, I am in shock. I am wondering if this was a good idea. But mostly, I am hoping that everything is okay, because I think if I could relax and know everything is okay, I would be ecstatic.

BABY MAZZ Q&A!

BABY MAZZ HAS GONE PUBLIC, GUYS!



I went for my 12-week ultrasound yesterday, where the tech said everything looks good so far. Baby has a nasal bone, beating heart, brain, fingers and toes!!!, and long little legs. We could see everything! We also got some blood test results back, which indicated the baby is at low risk for a bunch of chromosomal abnormalities. All that being said, we had been DYING to tell the world, and that felt like a sign that it was okay to do it now. We have been very anxious over the last several months, because we know not every baby makes it this far. We feel very, very grateful that ours has. Thank you all for the love!



Now that you all know about our little secret, we are doing a little Q&A session right here, right now, to answer the most popular questions we've had. So if you haven't heard these answers already, here they are, straight from me and Eric together.

CONGRATS!... Right?... This is good? Was this on purpose?
Okay okay, this is a fair question. We are not offended.  My own father assumed this was an accident. We have been on the anti-kid train for our whole lives, and truly, we were dead serious. We never wanted kids. But we changed our minds, because bodies have biological clocks and mine clicked on like a year ago and made me want a baby. Yeah, it made me wonder what the fuck was happening to me. I thought I was going insane. So we talked about it a lot, and now we're having a baby. Things change. People change.

BUT YOU HATE KIDS, RIGHT?!?!
No, people! NO! We never hated kids! We're SCARED OF THEM. There is a difference... Hahaha. Maybe that's not any better, but I have obviously been conquering my fear of kids over the past several years, what with working at a daycare, doing therapy with kids, being a nanny, and my best friend having one. Eric said he needs to work on conquering his fear of babies, but I don't blame him. Babies are scary as hell.

BUMP PIC BUMP PIC!
... I don't have a bump. Like, none at all yet. I barely look bloated. Sorry.

What is the name?!?!
Eric and I have no clue what the name is, but we have a somewhat unique taste in names. Not like, Apple or Spaceship Mars unique... but unique. So we talked about this, and we will not be revealing the name until the baby is born. Mostly because we probably won't have one picked out beforehand hahaha. But also because we don't feel like people going, "Oh... why? I don't like that." This has happened to several of my friends who revealed names early. Not that we really care what anyone thinks, but it would be really shitty if someone close to us did that and it made us second guess the name. And if anyone dares criticize it AFTER the baby is born... well then, fuck you. Naming your child is a very personal choice, and there are reasons why parents choose the names they do. Here's a hint though: It's not going to be Claudio or Angus. ;)

Are you finding out the gender?
Yeah guys... WE ALREADY KNOW! An added bonus of doing a DNA blood test is that they can find the baby's chromosomes. So, here it is:

IT'S A BOY! I mean, girls can wear these shirts, too (OBVIOUSLY), but HOW COOL WILL THIS DUDE BE?! RIGHT?!?!

And finally: How is Nym?
Nym is recovering very well, thank you for asking! She gets her staples out on Friday. Needless to say, it has been a stressful time for us, with me feeling like complete shit and being unable to help lift Nym or move her around. We just want her to be okay. We are super excited for our first human child, but Nym is our first furbaby. We love her. She has been so good with me since I've been pregnant. She's not quite protective over the belly, but she sticks close by, cuddles with me (which she NEVER used to do), and has been listening very well! It's crazy how animals know what's up.