Sunday, September 21, 2014

Reality Hits Hard

After our sickmoon (that's a thing now, remember?), Eric and I had to go back to work the very next morning. I was still sick, pretty much.

The entire week consisted of about 600 emails from my supervisor asking how many clients I admitted (it's been an hour since I got back, chill), getting started on my teaching curriculum, contacting police and a kid's mom because he was suicidal (she didn't think it was a problem...), calling DCF because a girl was in tears and physically sick with worry that her dad was going to hit her and her mom (DCF told me she's probably sick because she's pregnant...), and a mom breaking down on the phone with me because her daughter OD'd on molly at 4am and they're living in a hotel and she's doing the best she can for her kids.

I know I got in to this field to help people. I don't do this because it's easy, and I definitely don't do it for the money (there is none). I do it because I am saving people's lives.

This was just too much to handle this week.

I don't know if I can handle this kind of stuff on a regular basis anymore.

I don't think saying that makes me weak, or not good at my job. I think it's the reaction any empathetic human being would have to working in this field. I am good at what I do. I love what I do. But at the end of the day, when I get home, I am left feeling exhausted. Self-care is something they preach to counselors, because how can you help other people if you aren't okay yourself? But I'm too tired to read a book, cook dinner, play my piano, go for a run, or even talk to Eric. I just want to sleep. And then, I'm left feeling like I do nothing but work and sleep.

It's not a good cycle to create, and I'm stuck in it. It's not fair to Eric. It's not fair to myself.

The system just pisses me off. Is DCF seriously trying to tell me that the little girl is sick because she's pregnant? She's sick with anxiety, so sick that she leaves school every day to make sure she's home in case something happens to her mom. You DCF idiots. I don't trust the system because of things like this.

I try to keep things optimistic, because I learned the hard way that being negative gets you nowhere. I really do try to see the best in everything and everyone. I try to see all sides to every story, and understand why people think the way they do. Most of the time, I can stay positive.

Right now, I am having a really tough time doing that, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. 

I am frustrated.

I am upset that the world is such a fucked up place. "But even helping one person is a success! You made a difference!" Sure I did, and thank god for that one kid I helped. I just wish I never even had to help that kid in the first place. Why do people have kids if they are going to hurt them? Do you know how difficult it is to stay calm and composed when a kid is hysterically crying in terror at their own PARENTS? Or when a mom laughs at me when I say their child is suicidal, and says, "Oh you don't need to worry about him." God, it really, really sucks, but I refuse to harden myself to it, because then I wouldn't be as good at what I do.

After this week, I was tempted to drive directly to the airport on Friday and hop on the next flight to Philly. Thank god I came from a good family. I just want a hug from my parents after weeks like this. And I miss fall weather. All I want is to curl up in a flannel with my cats, drink hot chocolate and read a book. And stuff my face with candy corn. But it's still 90 degrees here, so I have about 3 months before the 70s kick in on a regular basis...

Do you see what just happened? I am now complaining about the weather in Florida, which is EXACTLY why I moved here. Look how negative I am being! Ugh, this makes me want to punch myself in the face.

Eric and I went to see Coheed and Cambria on Friday at House of Blues in Downtown Disney. It poured the entire 3-hour drive up and back. We were soaking wet by the time we got in to the venue. There were a ton of rude kids there pushing and shoving. If you are 6'5", and a short little girl (not me) asks if she can squeeze next to you so she can see, and you say no, then you are a jerk and don't deserve to see Claudio tear it up for 2 hours. Go away. And no, I do not want to watch the entire show through your CELL PHONE because you need to record every second and not actually enjoy being there in the moment.

People make me angry. And I sound like a crotchety old woman.

Regardless, that may have been the best show I've ever seen. It was a complete 180 from the last time I saw Coheed during their Year of the Black Rainbow tour. That was the Coheed "Dark Ages." Claudio didn't say a single word to the audience the whole time. He acted like he didn't even care, and there was no passion in the performance. THIS time, it was incredible. The whole thing was just epic. I can't even describe it.

Eric and I got coffee after the show and talked the entire drive home. It was actually pretty nice, even though we were exhausted. It cheered me up :)

Other good things did happen this week. We watched Monday Night Football with Katie and Paul, and we got to see Ben and Kristin yesterday. Eric and I got some post-wedding stuff sorted out and went on a late-night WalMart shopping trip, where I found autumn-themed poptarts and pumpkin air freshener! Today, we're going to watch football with more friends.

So, while this week was not a good re-introduction to the real world, there was a silver lining in the form of friends and music and fall gimmicks. I let myself be negative for a little while, but now it is time to be positive again, because clearly, life could be much worse for me. That doesn't mean I am not allowed to think things suck sometimes. What it does mean is that, after venting, it's time to realize there are still many things to be grateful for, including my loving family, supportive friends, pumpkin pie Poptarts, and Coheed. These are the things that get me through. Especially pumpkin pie Poptarts.

No comments:

Post a Comment