Sunday, September 14, 2014

Jamaica, mon! The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

We are back from our honeymoon, and oh, what a honeymoon it was.

Are you ready for this? I don't think you are ready for this. I'll try not to go in to TMI territory.

So, we went to Jamaica for our honeymoon. It was Eric's first time out of the country, and my first time going international without my parents, so it was a little daunting. The plane ride was fine, there was a long line at customs, but it was fine, and we walked over to the Sandals shuttle! Piece of cake.

Eric and I were the last people to have our bags put on the bus, so we were the last ones on. I tried to let Eric go ahead of me, because I hate picking seats, but the nice bus guy said ladies first. But really I knew he just wanted to talk to Eric about selling him weed, because Eric tends to get targeted for these things, what with the long hair and tattoos. So Eric takes about 10 seconds to get on to the bus, and I look at him, and he goes, "So, yeah, I already got offered weed." Hahahahaha welcome to Jamaica.

We got to the hotel after a 5 minute bus ride full of about 100 "Yah mon"s from the bus driver, and we were met by a few other nice Sandals staff who gave us about 100 more "Ya mon"s, along with some "One love"s and "Respect!"s.  So, if you were wondering, Jamaicans really do talk like that, and it's awesome.

We were escorted to our room by a lovely fellow, where we found a premium stocked bar that gets refilled daily and a fridge full of Red Stripe. Red Stripe was the only beer there. It's like the Coors Light of Jamaica, which is way better than actual Coors Light, thank god.

We decided to grab a couple drinks and take a look around the place. It was super duper awesome. There were a couple pools, including a swim-up bar, volleyball court, basketball, darts, pool tables, OBVIOUSLY a really nice beach, tons of water sports, and even croquet! The scenery was beautiful. The staff was super friendly.

We had a great dinner the first night, and afterwards, I fell asleep at like 7:30. I was seriously exhausted from all the craziness going on the past week. Eric was tired too, so we decided to rest up so we could enjoy the rest of the week.

The next day, we chilled on the beach, met a cool couple from Canada at the swim-up bar, played drinking games and talked hockey with them, then went to take a nap and shower before dinner.

This is where things go downhill...

We wake up a little after 4pm to get ready for our reservations at the other resort. Sandals is really awesome, and you can go to their other resorts close by for free. We wanted to eat at one of the fancy restaurants over there. Anyway, Eric wakes up, and says he doesn't feel good. Me, thinking he's just being a baby (because he really IS sometimes when he's sick), I tell him to seriously not do this right now. "You're just tired, you need to really try to wake up, you never feel good after naps in the middle of the day (which is also true), I am NOT canceling this reservation," etc. etc....


Eric never throws up, so I knew something was seriously wrong. We went to the nurse's station, but she leaves after 5pm. We canceled the reservations and decided to see how Eric made it through the night. I ordered room service dinner for myself. As for Eric, he did not fare very well that night...

The next day, we decided to try to go to the beach. Eric said he would go to the nurse if he felt worse throughout the day. Well, he couldn't keep anything down. Not food, not water, nothing. He was really out of it. After his 3498753948th trip to the bathroom, he said he thinks he has a fever and needs to go to the nurse.

So, we went. And he had a 101 degree fever, bad stomach cramping, couldn't keep anything down, and was extremely dehydrated. And we had to call a doctor in. A JAMAICAN doctor, who said "Yah mon" a lot just like everyone else in Jamaica. He prescribed Eric a lot of medicine  (not weed, sorry guys) for fever, nausea, and stomach issues. He prescribed a lot extra, just in case I got sick. But it had been a couple days, and I felt fine, so I was sure it was food poisoning and would pass soon.

Eric felt well enough to go to dinner that night, but it didn't last very long. Poor guy still couldn't eat. We took it easy that night and chilled in our room, again.

The next day, he felt better and better as the day went on. A miracle! The doctor said by 4pm this day, he should be feeling much better. That was the truth! We had a nice dinner that night, listened to a band play, hung out. He was still very, very tired, so we went to the room early to rest up for the rest of our awesome vacation.


Yes. That night I got "the sickness." IT WAS AWFUL. This is where I must avoid going in to TMI, but I will just tell you that it was literally the worst sickness I have ever had in my whole life, and I don't even blame Eric if he thought I deserved it after telling him to stop being a baby that first night before we knew what was really going on. My stomach had spasms so bad, I swear it's what contractions must feel like (and if contractions are worse, which I know they are, I am definitely never having a baby). Horrible, horrible pain, so bad I couldn't stand up. I started crying. It felt like someone was wringing out my stomach and punching me. I got dehydrated pretty fast.

Just think of the worst stomach virus anyone could possibly have. That's this.

I think it hit me harder and faster than it hit Eric, although I recovered much more quickly. It must be because I started taking the medicine immediately. I was bedridden all Friday, but I was able to keep food down for dinner. In the room, of course. We spent pretty much every night in the room, as well as a few of the days.

The next day, Saturday, our last day. We both felt okay. We took it easy on the beach and enjoyed the views. We finally went to dinner and ENJOYED it. We felt well enough to stay up and go out (without drinking, of course), but after awhile, we didn't anymore, so we went to sleep.

So, there you have it. The story of our honeymoon. It was more like a sickmoon. Is that a thing? I don't care, it is now. I was pretty depressed about the way things turned out for us. I hated not being able to call my parents. I hated being scared that we had some crazy sickness. I hated that it should have been this romantic, amazing, stress-free vacation, but it ended up being really scary and not so much fun.

But then I got a Cinnabon at the airport (because FUCK YOU, STOMACH), and had a little pity party, and got over it.

What I will say is that you do not know someone until you spend a week in a foreign country's hotel room together, taking turns running to the bathroom and dry heaving in to trashcans, wondering if you have ebola or some crazy shit. You really, really get to know someone after this kind of experience.

And what I found out is that I married the best guy ever, and we are definitely meant for each other. We took care of each other through this, managed to make the best of it, and were able to laugh about it.

Maybe one day, we will be able to take on Jamaica again and conquer it. Until then, I think we'll try to stick to more comfortable, homey locations... like Africa or the Amazon or something.


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