Monday, November 4, 2013

We do this cause we care, not for the thrill

Alright guys, here is my toned-down, internet-appropriate vent sesh that I have been wanting to unleash for weeks:

When I moved down here, I was a super hobo for two weeks. For two whole weeks of my life, I sat on my ass with Mango and Lex and applied for jobs. Applying for jobs was my full-time job, and I hated it. I felt discouraged, dependent, and, worst of all, like a moocher. I hated the fact that I was living in my friend's house, unable to contribute anything. Incase you don't know me very well, you should know that I am the type of person that absolutely hates feeling like I can not survive on my own. I don't want to rely on anybody but myself. Not my friends, not my parents, and definitely not a guy.

Besides that, I just really missed working. I felt useless. I missed talking to people and hearing their crazy stories. I missed using my brain. So when I got a job offer at a clinic after only two weeks of moving to a completely new state with no connections in the field, I was pretty damn proud of myself. I also was pretty damn sure that I needed to take this job if I ever wanted to get anywhere in Florida. I had a weird feeling after the interview, if you recall, but the job offered good money for having only a Masters degree (how sad is it that I need to say ONLY a Masters...), and it was doing exactly what I wanted to do.

Fast forward 6 weeks. I'm dry heaving more days than not, living off three hours of sleep a night, and my hair is starting to fall out. This job is the most anxiety-provoking thing I have ever encountered in my entire life. I'm not saying it's a bad place. I love what I actually do. What I'm saying is that some people can handle certain things about this job, and some people can't. I'm the kind of person that can't, I guess.

So I went to put my two weeks notice in today. I walked up there feeling like the biggest quitter in the entire world. I don't like to give up on things. But you have to realize, I'm not the kind of person that would quit without good reason, and I really need to stop beating myself up for wanting to do so. It's okay to not take shit from life sometimes. Life doesn't have to be a struggle all the time. Why make things harder for yourself when you know you can be happier? That's why we moved here, isn't it? Wasn't I telling Eric the exact same thing when he was debating taking the risk of quitting?

When I told my boss that I was putting in my resignation, I explained that I was very overwhelmed, and I didn't want it to be affecting my work. Clients deserve better than that. He went on a big spiel about how my work has been great, I'm learning so quickly, everyone here respects my work, and he's willing to work with me if I need to work part-time or only do certain things.

Now, I believe him when he says these things, not because I think I'm good at what I do (even though I am ;)) but because he's the kind of guy that has no problem firing people... yeah. So if I wasn't doing a good job, he would have just let me go. He said so... Besides that, I didn't even know stepping down to part-time was an option.

So now I need to let him know what I'm doing by the end of the week. I'm glad he's willing to work with me, and I think working part-time and finally going back to school in January for the rest of my credits for licensure would be ideal. I would still be making decent money. I'm just not sure working less days will solve the problems that are causing my hair to fall out, but I think it's worth a shot.....


Moral of the story is: Apparently I like to torture myself.

The other moral of the story is that I know I made the right decision in moving, because I am able to enjoy all other aspects of my life. I'm even able to enjoy the good things about my job and feel accomplished at the end of each day. I am able to stop the negative from overflowing into the positive. I was never able to do this before. I attribute a lot of it to the weather. It's November 4th and it's 78 degrees at 9PM. It's sunny, it's warm, and when I step out on my lunch break (if I have time to take it), I feel better just by letting the sun soak in to my skin. Instant high. It feels like chugging a bottle of Mountain Dew.

I miss the seasons, I miss my family and friends up north more than you guys know, but I am meant to live in the Sunshine State. I can see the changing leaves when I visit home... which I'm doing THIS WEEKEND! Stop by Landmark on Sunday to watch the Eagles game with Eric and me if you want to say hello :D

... whew. It felt good to get that out. If you're still reading this, mad props to you.

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